Love Blog Series #4: Standard Specifications

Have you ever thought why do we need to know the specifications and standards of the products we buy?
For us who buy software or games that can be played in your own PCs, you know what I'm talking about.
Before we buy any game or software, most of us look not only on its reviews but also the minimum requirement specifications or standard it needs for it to be played.

The requirements can be a list like:
-Can run on Operating Systems that are XP,ME,2000,98...
-Should have a memory of 256MB
-Should have a video card supporting 3-d graphics
etc... etc...

and then knowing our own PCs, we see if our own PCs has achieved the minimum requirements or standard specifications of the CD so that the software or game be at least usable or playable if not smooth and efficient in terms of speed (in other words, the PC doesn't crash).

Now what is the relevance of PC requirements to Love life?

For us to have a smooth relationship, we need standards. A list of "Minimum requirements" and "For best performance" to have a workable and smooth relationship with each other.
(I got this from Bo Sanchez and Josh Harris, minimum requirements equals to no-compromise stuff or non-negotiables.)

For many of my friends, they say that we do not need standards because we break them when we found the "one" (even my mom said it to me).
Again, I beg to disagree.

Take note of the premise and the example above, it is for having a workable and smooth relationship.

When you stick to your standards for a partner, you have advantages (and of course disadvantages but that later on). You eliminate at least half of your conflicts in your relationship. Guaranteed!! Well, for the least, you could have eliminated the unhealthy conflicts.

In a relationship, there are conflicts, yes. But not all are healthy, especially the ones that results from misunderstandings that has the same story over and over and over and over and... you know what I mean (and worse, we do not learn from these conflicts).

The reason why we have these unhealthy conflicts with the "wrong" partners is because of many factors (different beliefs, different likes, dislikes, different lifestyles, religion, etc...)

Now I am not much against with "opposites attract" because it is still possible but I can tell you, it is quite hard. Well, not really quite, but very hard. Adjusting to each other differences for too much can be spiritually, emotionally, and physically draining.

Speaking of adjusting, as a human person, we can't adjust too much of ourselves, more so for our partners who "wants" us to be what they "want" us to be. Because the danger of adjusting too much is we can disregard the real plan for us by our Lord. The problem with adjusting too much also is that we change our definition of ourselves not because as the Lord wants but as what our partners "wants". Another problem is we become a liquid, a blob... no backbone... no identity. Our identity is just formed because of the container of "wants" of your partner.

Now I go back to my topic, why do we need standards? When you dive into a relationship, you just don't go diving in without any reason. You just don't love a person just because the person is beautiful, with money, etc... The reason why you decided to love the person for the rest of your whole life and dive into an exclusive relationship is to serve God through this person (See Love Blog Series#3: True Love has One Reason Alone).

A relationship becomes one entity where both of you serve and give more than when you serve and give as two separate individuals. Again, you cannot give what you do not have. If your relationship is not healthy, you can't serve and give healthily. If your relationship is healthy, you can serve and give healthily. A healthy relationship doesn't mean it is void of conflicts, but it means that you have accepted each other's individual identities and has fulfilled a "basic requirement" to make the relationship work, have a purpose and reason why you love each other, and its (the relationship's) center is God and His love.

God created you uniquely, you have needs and wants. You have your own set of standards, know them clearly. and stick to it... You'll never regret this decision.

Because you're a child of God, You deserve the best for you.

Love Blog Series #3: True Love has One Reason Alone

One day I got a text message from one of my friends in the ministry. The message asked if there is a reason behind loving a person.

Then it was followed by a series of premises that if the reason for loving the person is because he or she is funny and he or she makes you happy, what if the person stops being funny at all? Will you still love the person?
What if your reason is because the person is beautiful? What if the person suddenly becomes ugly, will you still love the person?
What if your reason is because the person can provide you with your needs? What if the person suddenly loses its job and can't provide for you, will you still love the person?

Then it was followed that love defies all reasons, when you love, you just do...

Ask me if I agree to that last line a year ago (2006), I would say a resounding yes... I said that many times to the last exclusive relationship I once had.

Ask me now, I will beg to disagree.

Why? Because I now firmly believe that when you love, you just don't love blindly, like you don't know why you love. You just don't do it without any logic and reason at all. I don't believe that there's no logic behind love.

True Love has only One Reason Alone, and it is logically sound also.

How can that be?
Is there really a reason why you love a person?
Yes!!

To prove that, I'll tell you 2 theological premises I got from my preacher friends.

1st Premise: Everything has a reason and purpose under God's presence.
2nd Premise: Nothing exists outside God's presence.

Thus, if everything, including love, has a reason under God's presence and nothing exists outside His presence, then I could say that love has a reason after all. That when you love a person, it has a reason.

Now why is it that there is only one reason? Why not many?
When you love, to be genuine and true, a person has to base it on some good foundation.
Getting the premises of the text message from my friend, I could say that those reasons are not good foundations because they can change in time and nature. If your foundation changes without prior notice, it is like building your house of love in a sandy land: It gets destroyed by the winds, waves, storms and floods of problems and uncertainties.

The point here is you can't base your love with reasons that are not good to withstand any problem that could brake your relationship. You should base it on solid ground. And there is one solid ground that cannot be shaken even if magnitude 9 happens.

Are you ready for that reason? Because it has shaken every belief that I had before about love. And this had become one of my core beliefs in this world.

You love this person because you want to serve God, you want to love God more in serving and loving him or her.

That's the basic idea, the basic reason, the only reason why you love or you should love a person. Because you are loving God. And when you love God, you obey His commandments. And His 10 commandments which is compressed into two are to love God with all your heart, mind and strength and to love others as He has loved you. The former can be seen in the 1st three of the Gospels and the latter commandment can be seen at all four Gospels.

See? This is the basic and solid foundation, and your love for that person will never fail because of this.

It's a lame excuse to say that you love a person without any reason... that when you love a person you just do. It means only that you really didn't love that person truly.

I know, been there... done that. And it is a bad thing, because when shaken by problems... your love, and all of its "foundations" (actually there are no foundations when you just love... when you just do it), will just crumble down into ruins (and may actually be just a feeling after all... that's why you don't have any reason at all...)

That's why...

You do not love because she is beautiful, because beauty fades.

You do not love because he has met your standards, because he might fail to live it at some point in time. (but you still need standards, more on this on the next topic of our Love Blog Series on why we still need to have standards)

You do not love because he provides for you, because he still might lose his job.

You do not love because of the feeling, because feelings fly away the way they just come in, unnoticed and often times uncontrollable. (this is what you call, falling-in love and falling-out-of love... other words: infatuation)

You do not love because the person loves you back, because you may not feel that person's love at times (but there are many ways to feel and make the other person feel your love. We will also discuss the most discussed topic about the languages of love on another topic in our Love blog series)



There is only one reason why you love, and that is:

You love because you love God, and by loving this person you are loving God more.
And this is what you call genuine and true love.